As I write, I’m 31.5 weeks pregnant. We’ve had many an ultrasound since and I’ve gone to a specialist twice to monitor the baby and my uterus. The specialist believes he’s discovered one band (adhesion) at the top of my uterus left over from the scarring of Asherman’s Syndrome. His only true concern is that this could change the shape of my uterus and I could go into early labor. But at the last visit, he had no other concerns as the adhesion seems to be out of the way of the baby.
The baby’s heartbeat has always been strong & measurements on all accounts (me & the baby) have been good. My petite stature & short waistline have added some difficulty (as my doctor made it clear from the beginning it would) to mobility, energy, how I feel generally & the typical pregnancy challenges. Brad has been amazing & has put up with a lot more than husband’s (soon-to-be-fathers) should have to bear.
You can read any pregnancy guide & discover the exceptional list of ‘what to expect’ when pregnant. I think I’ve met all the requirements: I experienced 24/7 ‘morning’ sickness from around week 5 to 16. At week 16 I was extraordinarily sick with a viral infection that turned into a bacterial infection. I’ve been generally tired (ok, worn out!) and sore for most of the pregnancy. I’ve struggled against several sleepless nights, restless leg syndrome, generous heartburn, stuffiness, swollen-everything, oh, and the baby using my belly to practice their athletic abilities. Or knowing mommy & daddy’s LACK of athletic abilities, maybe he/she’s just discovering their arms and legs and begging mommy for more room in there!
Brad and my mother know what sex the baby is as they wanted to know. I do NOT want to know & look forward at delivery to be greeted by him or her! We have chosen names, but Brad & I are keeping those between us until our Miracle Baby arrives.
We’ve been given two wonderful baby showers. We’re overwhelmed with our friends, co-workers & even acquaintances and neighbor’s generosity!! I want to thank Cris, Gina, Susan and my mom for throwing me the baby shower of a lifetime! You all are amazing, thoughtful, true servants and Cris – you’re creative beyond belief! I want to thank recent new mommies in my life as well: Allison, Brooke, Gina, Libby and Susan for your continuous words of wisdom & support. It DOES take a village!
I want to thank Brad, my husband of 5.5 years, for sharing in all of this with me; burdening as much as he can for me & letting me feel his support & love even in the middle of my ‘full with pregnancy’ state. I’ve been ‘nesting’ for some time now & I’m still on a tare around the house to nest until my water breaks. Husbands everywhere should be forewarned about this side-effect to pregnancy. Just let us nest (& nest along with us as we ask – ok – demand), knowing that we’ll soon be so tired from 2 hour feedings that we’ll be too exhausted to ask for anything except sleep.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Worship Service
Brad and I went to my new Doctor the next day. She took notes on our story & my diagnosis with Asherman’s, handing her copies of the report as well. We were ourselves in that we included statements about our God, our Creator and our trust in Him throughout the story. She would smile as she wrote, finally looking up & saying ‘what is it you do for a living?’ I was telling her I worked at North Point Community Church in Alpharetta when she interrupted with ‘that’s my church!’ We suddenly had a lot in common. The most significant being an understanding that God is our Creator and what it means to have a relationship with Him. After answering several questions related to the ‘signs & symptoms’ she proceeded with a pelvic ultrasound. She said ‘I’m sorry…’ We were frozen. Nothing. My bladder was too full to see anything. Emptied my bladder. Tried again. Nothing. Our hearts were dropping. She had us go down the hall to the 3D-4D ultrasound room. I remember feeling very cold.
My doctor introduced me to the ultrasound tech, “I’d like you to meet Ms. Asherman and we think she’s pregnant.” The technician froze & questioned ‘Really?’
“Yes. We’d like to take a look.” the doctor responded.
I lay on the table, breathing with effort & said, “I’m sorry, let me just get comfortable.” At that moment Brad witnessed my doctor throw her arms and hands way up in the air & worship. Brad was leaning down to whisper to me that the doctor just threw her hands in the air when the ultrasound technician said “Momma, it’s a lot more fun if you’ll look at the screen.”
I turned to see our little Sprout waving at us! Greeting us with all the energy he/she could muster. All nine weeks of him/her: the head, the body, arm buds, leg buds. We all cried, rejoiced, hollered. It’s hard to say who was the most excited but I will say that we all worshiped & rejoiced and we didn’t care who heard us. It was beautiful! The technician had to ask me (eventually) to be as still as possible as my crying/rejoicing was bouncing my healthy uterus all over the screen.
The technician looked hard for adhesions, any sign of an obliterated uterus. Nothing. It looked normal. It was healed. All looked well & our nine-week old baby was happy to be discovered! And we worshiped!
My doctor introduced me to the ultrasound tech, “I’d like you to meet Ms. Asherman and we think she’s pregnant.” The technician froze & questioned ‘Really?’
“Yes. We’d like to take a look.” the doctor responded.
I lay on the table, breathing with effort & said, “I’m sorry, let me just get comfortable.” At that moment Brad witnessed my doctor throw her arms and hands way up in the air & worship. Brad was leaning down to whisper to me that the doctor just threw her hands in the air when the ultrasound technician said “Momma, it’s a lot more fun if you’ll look at the screen.”
I turned to see our little Sprout waving at us! Greeting us with all the energy he/she could muster. All nine weeks of him/her: the head, the body, arm buds, leg buds. We all cried, rejoiced, hollered. It’s hard to say who was the most excited but I will say that we all worshiped & rejoiced and we didn’t care who heard us. It was beautiful! The technician had to ask me (eventually) to be as still as possible as my crying/rejoicing was bouncing my healthy uterus all over the screen.
The technician looked hard for adhesions, any sign of an obliterated uterus. Nothing. It looked normal. It was healed. All looked well & our nine-week old baby was happy to be discovered! And we worshiped!
Signs and Symptoms
The first week of April 2007, Brad & I took my mom to Sarasota, FL on a family vacation. It was just what the doctor ordered for her…& for me. About 3-4 days into the vacation, Brad looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and said “You’re pregnant.”
“I am not! I can’t be pregnant.” I laughed back at him. 22 Days were up though. I knew something was different. My mother and I were actually involved in a parasailing accident that week. Don’t think that the Spirit doesn’t talk to us anymore, because as I crashed into the ocean my last thought was ‘and I’m pregnant!’ fearing miscarriage. Brad stood on the boat watching in horror as mom, a cancer patient, and his wife went plunging into the ocean only to be dragged under water for several feet. Brad’s thought, ‘she will surely miscarry.’ Praise God we both survived the accident. No sign of miscarriage but we hadn’t taken a pregnancy test either. I’m not sure when exactly I felt this on that vacation, but sometime that week I felt strongly that I was carrying a boy.
By two or three weeks later I had several signs of pregnancy (having already noticed some in Florida). The significant addition to my symptoms was ‘morning sickness’. Such a misnomer ! I was nauseated morning, day, afternoon, evening, night, middle-of-the-night & still not taking a pregnancy test. I was polling my co-workers & friends for a good Ob/Gyn as I had changed insurance with a new job just a few months prior. I called two of the recommended doctor’s office and one set up an appointment for me immediately. I took a pregnancy test the night before my doctor’s visit as we had still not ‘confirmed’ all the signs. It was positive.
“I am not! I can’t be pregnant.” I laughed back at him. 22 Days were up though. I knew something was different. My mother and I were actually involved in a parasailing accident that week. Don’t think that the Spirit doesn’t talk to us anymore, because as I crashed into the ocean my last thought was ‘and I’m pregnant!’ fearing miscarriage. Brad stood on the boat watching in horror as mom, a cancer patient, and his wife went plunging into the ocean only to be dragged under water for several feet. Brad’s thought, ‘she will surely miscarry.’ Praise God we both survived the accident. No sign of miscarriage but we hadn’t taken a pregnancy test either. I’m not sure when exactly I felt this on that vacation, but sometime that week I felt strongly that I was carrying a boy.
By two or three weeks later I had several signs of pregnancy (having already noticed some in Florida). The significant addition to my symptoms was ‘morning sickness’. Such a misnomer ! I was nauseated morning, day, afternoon, evening, night, middle-of-the-night & still not taking a pregnancy test. I was polling my co-workers & friends for a good Ob/Gyn as I had changed insurance with a new job just a few months prior. I called two of the recommended doctor’s office and one set up an appointment for me immediately. I took a pregnancy test the night before my doctor’s visit as we had still not ‘confirmed’ all the signs. It was positive.
Healing?
Nine months after the surgery (ironic, I know!), I had my annual visit with my Ob/Gyn. They ran the regular test on me, with a few extra thrown in considering my now history & my family history of female-related cancers. One of the Dr’s nurses called me two days after my pelvic ultra-sound to read the report to me. Basically everything is normal and ‘your endometrium wall is of normal thickness’. She kept reading but I stopped listening at that statement.
“Wait, go back & read that sentence about my endometrium please.”
“your endometrium wall is of normal thickness.” (she included the actual measurement here as well)
“Um…” afraid I was going to embarrass her, “this can’t be my report. I don’t have any endometrium. I was diagnosed with Asherman’s Syndrome last December” (the worst case that surgeon had ever seen) “and my endometrium is destroyed and my uterus obliterated. And I know I don’t have any endometrium because I don’t shed it every month (have a period) and haven’t since my miscarriage.”
“Mrs. Ellis, are you trying to get pregnant? Because if you are, according to this report, you should be able to. Your uterus seems fine and your endometrium is normal.”
“I can’t say we’re trying to get pregnant because we were told we couldn’t. Impossible actually. We’re just letting God be God.”
I called my dear friend Susan as Brad was at work. Susan squealed! (To anyone who knows her, you know this is one of the beautiful qualities of her – she is truly and passionately joyful.) “You’re healed! You’re healed! Praise Jesus!” Susan exclaimed.
“That can’t be though. I mean, I have no ‘proof’ (a period) that I have any endometrium from month to month.”
One week to the day of the nurse’s phone call, I had a normal period. The first in a year-and-a-half. I was stunned. I shared the news with Brad & we kept it to ourselves, not sure what to make of it all. For six months, every 22 days on the mark, I had a period, just as normal as before the miscarriage. I never called a doctor. I never had any tests run. We let God be God and we kept on living.
“Wait, go back & read that sentence about my endometrium please.”
“your endometrium wall is of normal thickness.” (she included the actual measurement here as well)
“Um…” afraid I was going to embarrass her, “this can’t be my report. I don’t have any endometrium. I was diagnosed with Asherman’s Syndrome last December” (the worst case that surgeon had ever seen) “and my endometrium is destroyed and my uterus obliterated. And I know I don’t have any endometrium because I don’t shed it every month (have a period) and haven’t since my miscarriage.”
“Mrs. Ellis, are you trying to get pregnant? Because if you are, according to this report, you should be able to. Your uterus seems fine and your endometrium is normal.”
“I can’t say we’re trying to get pregnant because we were told we couldn’t. Impossible actually. We’re just letting God be God.”
I called my dear friend Susan as Brad was at work. Susan squealed! (To anyone who knows her, you know this is one of the beautiful qualities of her – she is truly and passionately joyful.) “You’re healed! You’re healed! Praise Jesus!” Susan exclaimed.
“That can’t be though. I mean, I have no ‘proof’ (a period) that I have any endometrium from month to month.”
One week to the day of the nurse’s phone call, I had a normal period. The first in a year-and-a-half. I was stunned. I shared the news with Brad & we kept it to ourselves, not sure what to make of it all. For six months, every 22 days on the mark, I had a period, just as normal as before the miscarriage. I never called a doctor. I never had any tests run. We let God be God and we kept on living.
Clarity
In May 2005 I had a missed miscarriage (yes, that’s possible!) somewhere around the eighth week of my first pregnancy. Not really that big of a deal (except for the ‘missed’ part). By that I mean, very common. But it’s what followed that became the ‘deal’. I had a D&C (normal in my situation). My body didn’t return to normal. After much testing, prodding, poking & well, enough of that…I was sent to a specialist/surgeon in the Atlanta area for a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy. Upon my initial visit and consult, he agreed with my OB/GYN that I probably had *Asherman’s Syndrome and with surgery he could probably restore it to normalcy.
(*The uterine lining, endometrium, can be traumatized, typically after a D&C and then develop scars which can obliterate the cavity to a varying degree. In the extreme, the whole cavity has been scarred and occluded and the patient becomes infertile.)
In late Dec. 2005 I had the surgery. The surgeon called & consulted his colleagues, stopped the surgery, and went out in the lobby to talk to Brad.
“She’s going to have trouble.” Were his first words. You can imagine my husband sitting there, wondering what kind of trouble. This was supposed to be a fairly easy procedure. And then there were the words that would ring in our years for months to come (& we would get the pleasure of reading several times throughout the surgeon’s report).
“Her uterus has been obliterated.”
I woke up to see my surgeon’s heavy face. I begged to know what was wrong but was assured that he would call me at home tomorrow and discuss everything. Fighting nausea & grogginess, I remember struggling to sit up and demanded to know what was wrong.
“Mrs. Ellis, your uterus has been obliterated.”
Now, if I had been more alert, I truly believe I would have said, ‘what a minute…when I came in here, I had a uterus. If it’s obliterated, then where did it go & what did you do with it?’
I met with the surgeon two weeks post-op. As if his conversations with me hadn’t penetrated, he got out a small piece of paper, drew a uterus on it then took a black pen and scribbled it all in, stating ‘this is what your uterus looks like.’
Now, to show him some mercy here, I do recognize that his agenda was not to heal me per se, but to offer me his company’s services - fertility assistance. More specifically, a surrogate mother. We had made it extremely clear from the beginning that we were not interested in pursuing that route but appreciated his concern. We did not seek his specialty for fertility, but rather, to make me ‘whole’ & healthy again. (And make sure that I remained in good health, despite pregnancy.)
He slid the blackened-in drawing across the desk to me. And I said that I understood, appreciated his attempt to help me with surgery and thanked him. The tone changed.
He through his pen down on his desk, and exasperated asked, ‘I don’t get it. What is so different about you and your husband?’
Friends, there are few moments in life when one can honestly recognize a TRUE moment of clarity. So THIS is why this happened to me! Jesus wants this surgeon’s heart (& his family’s heart) so much that He used a petite, 30-something year old with Asherman’s Syndrome to let him know that His Heavenly Father was dying for him to know how much he loved him!
For approximately 20 minutes Dr. surgeon and I talked. The conversation started with me responding with ‘I’m so glad you asked!’ And he let me talk, uninterrupted, about God, His Son Jesus, the ‘bigness’ of our God, His power to give and take away, how He died to have a relationship with us, & just how crazy He is about him and his family. He let me ask him several personal & Faith questions, answering with chapters of his own story of battling with even going into this profession back in college knowing that his upbringing and Faith (Catholicism) wouldn’t agree. He was honest. He didn’t seem to have a relationship with God the way I described & he hadn’t been to church in years. (Although I did point out the significant role church could play in his and his families life, I did make the more important point that more than that, his Creator is dying for a relationship with him, whether active in a church or not.)
The conversation drew to a close as I thanked him again for trying to help me but explained to him that ‘although you’re a very smart, well-educated man who has been used to help a lot of women, there is one thing you will never be able to do & that only our God can do….create life. No matter if I, or any woman that comes through your office, gets pregnant it’s not up to you. You do not have that power. There is only one – our God, our Creator. The only one who can give life.’ He shook my hand (& I think shook his head a little, as I was obviously not going to take his advice & get a surrogate mother.) But I feel we departed on good terms.
A few weeks later I got his report on my case. His report is very clear as it resonates his words ‘obliterated uterus’. The final paragraph concludes with ‘offering Brad & Sharon other fertility options, they denied these options for religious reasons.’ If he had said, ‘because of their belief and relationship with the Creator and giver of all life, God & His Son Jesus’ I might feel more at peace about his understanding of our conversation.
(*The uterine lining, endometrium, can be traumatized, typically after a D&C and then develop scars which can obliterate the cavity to a varying degree. In the extreme, the whole cavity has been scarred and occluded and the patient becomes infertile.)
In late Dec. 2005 I had the surgery. The surgeon called & consulted his colleagues, stopped the surgery, and went out in the lobby to talk to Brad.
“She’s going to have trouble.” Were his first words. You can imagine my husband sitting there, wondering what kind of trouble. This was supposed to be a fairly easy procedure. And then there were the words that would ring in our years for months to come (& we would get the pleasure of reading several times throughout the surgeon’s report).
“Her uterus has been obliterated.”
I woke up to see my surgeon’s heavy face. I begged to know what was wrong but was assured that he would call me at home tomorrow and discuss everything. Fighting nausea & grogginess, I remember struggling to sit up and demanded to know what was wrong.
“Mrs. Ellis, your uterus has been obliterated.”
Now, if I had been more alert, I truly believe I would have said, ‘what a minute…when I came in here, I had a uterus. If it’s obliterated, then where did it go & what did you do with it?’
I met with the surgeon two weeks post-op. As if his conversations with me hadn’t penetrated, he got out a small piece of paper, drew a uterus on it then took a black pen and scribbled it all in, stating ‘this is what your uterus looks like.’
Now, to show him some mercy here, I do recognize that his agenda was not to heal me per se, but to offer me his company’s services - fertility assistance. More specifically, a surrogate mother. We had made it extremely clear from the beginning that we were not interested in pursuing that route but appreciated his concern. We did not seek his specialty for fertility, but rather, to make me ‘whole’ & healthy again. (And make sure that I remained in good health, despite pregnancy.)
He slid the blackened-in drawing across the desk to me. And I said that I understood, appreciated his attempt to help me with surgery and thanked him. The tone changed.
He through his pen down on his desk, and exasperated asked, ‘I don’t get it. What is so different about you and your husband?’
Friends, there are few moments in life when one can honestly recognize a TRUE moment of clarity. So THIS is why this happened to me! Jesus wants this surgeon’s heart (& his family’s heart) so much that He used a petite, 30-something year old with Asherman’s Syndrome to let him know that His Heavenly Father was dying for him to know how much he loved him!
For approximately 20 minutes Dr. surgeon and I talked. The conversation started with me responding with ‘I’m so glad you asked!’ And he let me talk, uninterrupted, about God, His Son Jesus, the ‘bigness’ of our God, His power to give and take away, how He died to have a relationship with us, & just how crazy He is about him and his family. He let me ask him several personal & Faith questions, answering with chapters of his own story of battling with even going into this profession back in college knowing that his upbringing and Faith (Catholicism) wouldn’t agree. He was honest. He didn’t seem to have a relationship with God the way I described & he hadn’t been to church in years. (Although I did point out the significant role church could play in his and his families life, I did make the more important point that more than that, his Creator is dying for a relationship with him, whether active in a church or not.)
The conversation drew to a close as I thanked him again for trying to help me but explained to him that ‘although you’re a very smart, well-educated man who has been used to help a lot of women, there is one thing you will never be able to do & that only our God can do….create life. No matter if I, or any woman that comes through your office, gets pregnant it’s not up to you. You do not have that power. There is only one – our God, our Creator. The only one who can give life.’ He shook my hand (& I think shook his head a little, as I was obviously not going to take his advice & get a surrogate mother.) But I feel we departed on good terms.
A few weeks later I got his report on my case. His report is very clear as it resonates his words ‘obliterated uterus’. The final paragraph concludes with ‘offering Brad & Sharon other fertility options, they denied these options for religious reasons.’ If he had said, ‘because of their belief and relationship with the Creator and giver of all life, God & His Son Jesus’ I might feel more at peace about his understanding of our conversation.
Chapter One: Journaling
1/20/06 – Sharon Ellis
The following is a journal entry from January 20, 2006. We thought this was the end of the story, but now we know it was just the beginning of Sprout’s story…
“I’m re-reading the book A Deeper Shade of Grace by Bernadette Keaggy (Phil Keaggy’s wife). I read it years ago. I’m not sure how or why I even have this book. Bernadette wrote it to give others hope. (After loosing five children.) For Christmas this year, my dear friend Cris gave me a silver star ornament with the word HOPE carved in it. After a year full of words like ‘rare’, ‘unusual’, (referring to my mom’s cancer) and ‘obliterated’ (referring to my uterus), you suddenly find yourself living in irony. Irony is not pretty. It doesn’t feel good and it takes you off any pedestal or throne you ever thought you were on. (As if I’m above anything like that happening to me or my family.)
The doctor’s told Bernadette that her miscarriage “would have no effect on future pregnancies.”
That’s exactly what we thought and were even told. (We experienced a miscarriage in May 2005)
Phil Keaggy says, “All that from His wisdom flows.”
It hurts my pride to know that God knows something else. Like something else…more tragedy is down the road, around the corner. And it is God’s best that I do not have a baby. I’m not meant to have a child? Brad & I aren’t meant to have a child together? There is a deep, unsettling, sobering thought. I can’t shake it.
‘Try not to get your hopes up…Hope? What else is there?’ (Keaggy, 60).
Right now the only hope I have is carved in that silver star.”
Sharon Ellis, Jan. ‘05
The following is a journal entry from January 20, 2006. We thought this was the end of the story, but now we know it was just the beginning of Sprout’s story…
“I’m re-reading the book A Deeper Shade of Grace by Bernadette Keaggy (Phil Keaggy’s wife). I read it years ago. I’m not sure how or why I even have this book. Bernadette wrote it to give others hope. (After loosing five children.) For Christmas this year, my dear friend Cris gave me a silver star ornament with the word HOPE carved in it. After a year full of words like ‘rare’, ‘unusual’, (referring to my mom’s cancer) and ‘obliterated’ (referring to my uterus), you suddenly find yourself living in irony. Irony is not pretty. It doesn’t feel good and it takes you off any pedestal or throne you ever thought you were on. (As if I’m above anything like that happening to me or my family.)
The doctor’s told Bernadette that her miscarriage “would have no effect on future pregnancies.”
That’s exactly what we thought and were even told. (We experienced a miscarriage in May 2005)
Phil Keaggy says, “All that from His wisdom flows.”
It hurts my pride to know that God knows something else. Like something else…more tragedy is down the road, around the corner. And it is God’s best that I do not have a baby. I’m not meant to have a child? Brad & I aren’t meant to have a child together? There is a deep, unsettling, sobering thought. I can’t shake it.
‘Try not to get your hopes up…Hope? What else is there?’ (Keaggy, 60).
Right now the only hope I have is carved in that silver star.”
Sharon Ellis, Jan. ‘05
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